3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
