ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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