Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
