I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
