I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
