My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
