I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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