I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
