I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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