i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
