you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
