Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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