I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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