We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
