She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
