All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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