his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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