Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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