Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
