Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
whose ass print is on the piano?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
