i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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