My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
