Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
