i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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