Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Randomize
