I love black thongs
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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