Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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