i wish my penis had a tongue
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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