Im at strip club and am horny
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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