Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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