That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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