i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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