do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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