You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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