you guys were way drunker than both of me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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