I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
