Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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