Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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