I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Floor bacon is actually really good
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
