I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
