my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
