At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
