I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i now understand why vodka
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
