i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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