I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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