Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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