When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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