When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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