cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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