singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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