Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
