that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
