my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
