I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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