woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
