I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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